Catching Up...

Well, sooooo, Another year has come and gone and I have survived yet another birthday.  It always strikes me as funny how in the weeks leading up to my Bday I am always so excited and anxious, but when the day finally arrives, I instinctively wanna keep it low key.  Like I much prefer the idea of having a big bday but not actually having one.  That's where having a lot of great family and wonderful friends comes in handy.  I had a good day.
Now its on to the dreaded and hectic holiday season.  I really do enjoy Thanksgiving to the fullest. I love the cooking and the gathering and all the fun and family and friends. I don't, however, enjoy tearing the tendons in my groin playing my 2nd day of flag football. that, i could totally do without.  At least I am in my 3rd week of recovery. I'm making progress, but there's still some pain, especially the days i go without taking any meds.  I like to try and see how long I can go before the total discomfort takes over.  Not very smart seeing as how the most discomfort comes when trying to sleep.  oh well such is life. i am healing and that's all that matters.
Once the Thanksgiving festivities are complete, I'm usually in the mood to fast forward through to NYE.  I do not enjoy the Christmas season at all. NOT AT ALL!  And its not exactly for the reason you might think.  My problem is I am a giver. I thrive on giving and Christmas is the time of giving. I just  never ever seem to be able to give everyone what i wanna give them.  It's like this time of year is a guaranteed failure for me because i'm not going to be able to live up to my own expectations.  Its frustrating and I don't like it. so fast forward to NYE and lets hope i'm not spending it in a Baltimore Airport. Eh, even if i do, at least I'll be in the snow ya know.
So that's pretty much the quick update on whats been going on.  Its just scratching the surface of all that's been going on, but its a start.  I will try to be more prompt with my updates.
I am looking forward to this weekend coming up. Lots of exciting and fun plans. But most of all I am thoroughly looking forward to Monday...Yes i said Monday, because Monday night the kids are here and life is never sweeter then when i'm with my babies.  So bring on the weekend and lets get it out the way so I can get to Monday Night! Hell Yeah!
Get Some!

It Makes Sense Now...

With so much change I've experienced this past year, I'm finally starting to get back to some level of balance.  I love balance, everything in balance means everything is good.  I realize that through it all I always found myself chasing happy. I was constantly looking for happy in anything i could find.  If one activity didn't make me happy, I'd go looking for another activity. It got to the point where the result was being over shadowed by the search.

We spend so much of our time "looking" for something or someone to make us happy and now more then ever I fully understand that when you stop "looking" for happy, you can find it.  It pretty much applies to anything, once you stop looking for it, you are able to find it.  Your mind stops being overwhelmed by the energy used in the search for it, that its finally able to see it right there in your face.

I'm a pretty flexible person, I know how to go with the flow in most cases.  When life starts flowing through unknown jungles and over strange landscapes though, it gets a bit more challenging to just go with the flow.  I find myself in strange territory, having to find a new way to do things or having to learn how to wait and let things resolve themselves or get to a point where I can see the path.  In that process I finally stopped looking.  I stopped looking and just started enjoying all of the moments of happiness that came my way.  Once I stopped pouring energy into the actual pursuit of happiness, i was able to put more energy into actually "being" happy.  Granted I had a bit of help with the mental clarity, but besides that, I finally saw and understood the meaning of "not looking." 

So it kinda boils down to a simple point. All the times my mother and others gave me the advice to "stop looking," they were absolutely right.  But no one can talk you into doing it. They can advise it, and suggest it and point out the benefits of doing it till they're blue in the face. Until you decide to stop, you will never understand the power of it.  Until you make up your mind that you will no longer compare the people you meet to the image of a mate you have in your head you will always be looking for happy.  Until you are able to drop your description of happy and just explore what makes you actually FEEL happy, you will always be stuck in the search.  I have stopped the search and began the enjoyment.  I am not just being happy, I Feel happy.  I am now able to release all of the happy that I've always had inside me. And I owe it all to the power of stopping.

I stopped looking for happy and happy happened.  If I, with my most intimidating level of stubbornness, can do it, then I know for a fact ANYBODY can do it.  So Just Do It already!

Friends Vs Acquaintences......

Okay so today I am of two minds so its going to result in a double post.  I guess I could just post two separate blogs and I still might, but for now I will continue as if this will just be one long post.

So I was contemplating friendships and what makes a tried and tested friend.  I know some friendships forged in a stressful situation can create a bond that endures time. I know some friendships are just a mere result of knowing someone since you were kids.  But when is a person a friend and not just an acquaintance?  I know the dictionary definitions of each but in a real world application, what is the difference. 

To me its a matter of, an acquaintance is someone you know.  They might be someone you see frequently, you know their name and maybe had a conversation or two with them and talked about family and work and the weather.  They're not a stranger, you are "acquainted" with them. You know them. Most coworkers are acquaintences.  Most neighbors are acquaintences.  But they aren't "friends". They're just people we see and are around often enough to be familiar with who they are and what they do.  Even if you see them everyday and talk to them everyday, maybe even share a drink or two with them, they are merely acquaintences. They aren't the first name that comes to mind when you need to be bailed out or picked up or saved from a bad date. And you don't confide your inner most secrets to them. They are merely people we know and encounter on a regular basis.

A friend is someone who has risen above the level of mere acquaintence. A friend is someone you think about even when you're not around them. You remember fun times shared and/or funny things said, you look forward to hanging out with them again.  These are people who you've shared a substantial amount of time with. People who know things about you. Maybe you've known them for years or grew up with them.  A friend is someone you know and they know you.  You've been through trials and hard times, maybe shared a sad moment or two. you listen to each other and confide in each other.  Friends know the best and worst of you and they keep coming back for more.  Friends are more then just an acquaintence, they are close

Now we could split hairs about close friends and best friends, good friends and great friends, but I'm not trying to define the differences in those. In fact, I'm not sure what the purpose of this comparison is. What I do know is that not everyone we consider a friend is truly a friend, some are just acquaintences.  We treat our acquaintences like friends and then we wonder why our business gets spread around in the streets.  Its not up to people to tell us which category they are in, its up to us to put them in their correct place.  Good friends will stick by you no matter what you do, they know you for who you are and they let you be you.  Real friends can tell you about yourself and, though you might not like it, you will listen and take it to heart. 

Just because someone is a friend doesn't mean they are exempt from ever hurting us.  Friends are still human and they still possess the ability to hurt our feelings and/or hurt us physically.  The difference is, when an acquaintence hurts our feelings, we get pissed and angry and tend to be unforgiving.  When a friend does this, we may be hurt but we forgive them because they've earned it. 

I always say the best couples are made up of 2 best friends.  Once you have a foundation of true friendship, the sky is the limit to what can happen.  We don't have as many friends as we think, we usually only have a few true friends, and the rest are merely close acquaintences.  You know a true friend when you have them.  They're the first name you think of when you wanna share something special or when you need a shoulder.  Its hard to find true friends, but its even harder to be one.  You have to be willing to see a person's faults and short coming and accept them through it all.  You have to be ready to put your personal feelings and opinions aside and listen to them when they share their pains and frustrations.  You've got to be ready to share your true opinions when asked for them and be willing to open up when needed.

Its very difficult to find a good and true friend.  You'll go through a lot of failures and let downs before you find one that really fits the role.  If an acquaintence steps on your toes, they have to work to get back in your good graces and convince you they're worthy.  When a friend steps on your toes, you actually look for a reason to forgive them.  Our friends help make us who we are because we pick our friends based on our likes and dislikes. Friends will lift us up, an acquaintence can bring us down.

I try to be the best friend I can possibly be.  Sometimes i stretch myself thin, but i justify it by remembering who i'm doing it for.  I find it harder to push myself simply for the things I want, but when its to help a friend, theres an added incentive.  I value my friends for various reasons.  I find value in everyone I consider a friend.  I have been guilty of making a friend out of acquaintences, and I know the perils of doing such a thing.  It can be a very painful experience to make a friend out of an acquaintence and realize your mistake the hard way.  For my friends I say I do what I can when I can.  I sincerely believe that we enrich our own lives when we enrich the lives of our friends.  I'm not that great, but I do give my all for the people I care about.  Unconditional friendship may be a pipe dream, but I will continue to dream it and strive for it.  I don't wanna change my friends unless they are seeking change themselves.  Then I can help them get the change they seek.  All in all, i just want friends who know how to be friends like I do.


Okay so that first half ran a lot longer then I anticipated.  I think I'll just post this one and post the next one as a separate blog.

Thank you for taking the time to bathe in my spillover thoughts.

So much to say

I honestly and truly have so much to say, but i am not in a position to formulate my words in a coherent pattern as to convey what is truly perplexing my mind and occupying my thoughts.  The path with no footprints, is the path i find myself traveling.  Unchartered territory. I must say this road seems pretty damn fascinating so far.

To be continued...

It is what it is...

We spend so much of our lives trying to understand things.  So many things happen and we spend countless hours trying to figure out why, and what caused it, and what we could have done different.  Sometimes we just need to take a step back and realize that shit happens and it is what it is.

I am probably one of the most guilty of us all for trying to figure out the whys of everything.  I like to get to the bottom of things and understand what really happened.  I know i dig deeper and deeper trying to get the true "understanding" of any given situation.  But even I, yes I, need to step back and just accept things for what they are.  Not everything in this lifetime needs to be understood to the fullest. Some things are just gonna to happen to us and we're going to have to find a way to deal with it and move on.  That's what life is all about, learning to accept the things you cannot change and change the things you can.

I know my limitations.  I may not always be willing to accept them, but at least i recognize them and I know when I'm pushing myself beyond my limits. I'm learning that some people have no idea what their limitations are and they consistently push themselves beyond their limits and then get upset with themselves for not being able to rise to the occasion.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.  The hardest person to ask for forgiveness is yourself.  We are our own worst critiques in the worst way.  We see our own flaws like a neon light and we downplay our assets.  I realize that true friends come in handy not just for accepting us with all our faults, but for reminding us of our greatness.  Learn to listen to your true friends like you listen to your instincts.

So Clear Yet So Complicated...

So i have finally accepted the fact that my brain is not normal. I can see things so clearly at times and yet everything feels so complicated.  you ever have those moments of clarity where you think about something and you just see it so perfectly and you understand it and there's no confusion at all. But as soon as you try to put those thoughts into actions, it becomes so complicated that you don't know where to begin.

Life isn't really that complicated, we live and let live. we either accept people as they are or we let them keep moving.  too many times we allow people into our lives that don't do a damn thing to enhance it but we hold on to them and we keep them around, why is that?  I don't want anyone in my life that doesn't bring something positive to the table. I have plenty of negative, i don't need anybody else adding to it. That's not to say i'm a fair weather friend, if my friends have problems i will always be there to help in any way i can, that's me bring something positive to their lives. I want people around me like that. People who are comfortable enough with themselves that they don't have a problem being there for me when i need them. 

We make it harder then it has to be when we start looking at people as how we think they should be versus how they really are.  I was listening to the news this morning while getting dressed for work and Raul was talking to 2 women about why people settle in relationships.  One of the things she said rang so loud and true to me that i am still thinking about it more then 5 hours later.  She said we need to stop falling in love with peoples potential and learn to accept who they're showing us right now.  No truer words ever spoken. 

Too often we meet someone and we learn a little about them and all of a sudden we can see how great they could be or might be and we fall head over heels in love with the "Possibility" and we ignore the REALITY.  I often tell people i meet that i'm not half the man i  know i'm capable of being but i'm working on it.   I don't want anyone falling in love with my potential, thats pressure that i don't need, see me for who I am right here right now flaws and all. The good, the bad the ugly and the down right scary.  If you can see me for the person i am today and you can handle that, then maybe you have what it takes to stick around.  Those are the people I will call Friends. Once you have that true solid foundation, that base of 100% open and acceptance, Then the possibilities are endless....

Late at Night

Its late, I'm tired, but I seem to have so much on my mind.  Why does it seem like all the intense heavy thoughts seem to come late at night when I'm trying to go to sleep.  My body is tired, my brain is on over drive. I blame the full moon.  There's just something about a full moon night that makes everything change for a day or two. I just don't see how people say the moon has no affect on the human body.  I for one beg to differ...check that I ain't begging for shit.  I ain't too proud to beg, I just don't feel like doing it.

Okay, I know there's a ton more I want to say, but for some reason I am unable to organize my thoughts well enough to form legible sentences.  So this will be a short one.

I Feel Therefore I Vent...

Its not often I complain, well out loud anyway.  I've always been the type of person to keep my problems to myself and deal with them on my own, internally.  I've recently been learning that there is a unmeasurable value in having a friend or 2 or 3 that accept you for who you are 100%. That kind of friend you can talk to about any and everything and they will understand you when you need understanding, educate you when you feel dumb and console you when you hurt. 

However, I am noticing that there is one need that most people aren't capable of that I believe is the most important of all.  A true friend isn't just capable of crying with you, and hurting with you, and laughing with and at you, and getting angry with you.  A truly special friend will sit and listen to you and hear your every word, understand exactly what you mean and feel and when its appropriate, they feel comfortable looking you in your eyes and telling you to get your head out of your ass and suck it up.

Its so damn hard to find that one friend that knows how to tell you to stop being a chickenshit and go do what needs to be done or to get off your ass and suck it up and get the job done.  We are so busy trying to heal and console each other that we tend to forget about the need for tough love.  The art of tough love seems to be a lost art. The ability to constructively and loving tell someone when they're being a total idiot and they need to check themselves before they get checked.  I know i'm not always right, as rare as it is, i too can be wrong. but there's a difference in just being called wrong because you disagree with me and pointing out specifically where and how wrong i am.  To be able to sit down and look at me and say man, if you don't shut the hell up with that nonsense and quit pretending like you don't know whats going on, i will personally kick your big ass. 

I'd love to have someone know me well enough and I trust them enough for them to be able to sit me down and shut me up when i needed it most.  I stand by my self assessment, I could be greater then anything i ever imagined myself to be, if I could just get out of my own damn way.  One day I hope to trust someone enough and they trust me enough to be able to show me true tough love when I truly need it.

Am I Wrong...

Ok so I am big on respecting the rights of the individual. I am all for letting people be whoever they wanna be and do what ever they feel is best for them.  I am not a fan of forcing my thoughts and beliefs on anyone nor am I a fan of having anyone else force their thoughts and beliefs on me.  That being said, I do have a pet peeve that I refuse to back away from.

I really need help understanding why people do the things they do.  Smokers have a right to smoke, non smokers have a right to not be forced to endure the smoke.  So i'm driving in to work today, its foggy and there's tons of traffic, and i get stuck behind this blonde chic in her white prelude.  The only reason she stands out to me is because the whole time i'm stuck behind her, she's got her lit cigarette hanging out the window. On any other day this is not a problem, but in stop and go traffic when i don't have the room or option to get around her car, it sucks majorly to be forced to smoke her cigarette with her.  And can someone tell me why in the world if you're smoking in your car do you bother to hang it out the window? Isn't that counter productive? if its smoke you want, why not roll the window up and keep it all to yourself.  I do not enjoy being forced into suffering through your smoking habits. I mean really, was hanging it out the window going to prevent you from smelling like smoke, NO.  Was it gonna make your breath smell any less worse? NO.  All it accomplishes is pissing off the unfortunate driver behind you who doesn't smoke. 

Thank God i didn't have my children in the car with me and have them be subjected to that mess.  We often complain and wonder why the government makes so many intrusive rules and regulations that control what we do when we wanna do it.  Well i for one might not have a problem with a rule that punishes people from forcing others to endure their smoke.  For the first time in a very, very, very long time i actually considered the benefits of road rage.  Keep the damn cigarette in the car with you or put it out. Show a little consideration for those people who are not actively seeking cancer.

Ok so its been a while and a lot has changed so I'm still updating all of my configurations. This update is sent via my blackberry. Just a test.

I'm Baaaaacccckkkk!

Ok so its been a while. ok so its been a long while since I last posted anything new. What can i say, it's been a wild ride. I would think someone like me who likes to talk and always has something to say would definitely stay up to date with their blog, but it appears that i'm not as quick to share my thoughts as i thought i was. That being said, i've recently read a few blogs of friends and it has really encouraged me to pick up the pace. So let this be my return party, I will do my best to stay on top of things. I won't promise to always make sense or even be relevant, but i will talk, and i will talk a lot.

Life has many ups and downs and paths that we can take. I've found myself at many many forks in the road, sometimes i've taken the psycho path(thank you Eminem for the line), sometimes i've taken the safe route. Right now i seem to be on a gravel road with lots of shrubbery and weeds on it. There are no foot prints or trails for me to follow on this path except the ones i am leaving. Ive never been down this road before but i'm finding it quite fascinating. I think i shall travel it further and see what i can find.

So on the strength of a beautiful Humpday i leave you smiling and happy and hoping you want more cause there's more to come.